can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.