IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
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Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace