[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
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Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”