USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
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I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.