I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
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[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I feel like one of these would kill a European