Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
You Might Also Like
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
what the
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’