My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
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I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
ok like just. call me at this point
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.