Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”