An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
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Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.