Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me