Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
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My what?
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows