Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’