[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami