As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad