If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
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Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Happy Caturday!
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.