My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.