I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
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My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I am a gravy boat captain