I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
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no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again