job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.