me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?