Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that