Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
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There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
#Caturday
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
New menu item
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front