Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.