ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse