If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
You Might Also Like
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.