*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
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What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
My life in a nutshell
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.