One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.