Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
How did we not see this back then?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”