Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
You Might Also Like
I’m putting together a team
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”