Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
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Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Butt weight. There’s more!
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Left at a local drug store…
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good