Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
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Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
it be like that
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.