contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!