Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Friday
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8