*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.