*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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handsome & gretel
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
We avoided this particular disaster
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
The 6 types of sex
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776