Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
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“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
(True)
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
#gardening
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.