People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
selfie game