I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…