Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well