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Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!