You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*skinny dips into black hole
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?