‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Wait for it
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
everyone has that one prude friend
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.