What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
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Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Extremely relatable.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!