wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.