My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
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God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My Guy
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.