I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
You Might Also Like
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
every single time
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.