Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.