Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it