Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
United Steaks of America
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd