“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.